


this love

by ewagan



Series: SASO 2017 Fills [8]
Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 18:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11446977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ewagan/pseuds/ewagan
Summary: In that moment, he was certain that he loved Matsuoka Rin more than he would love anyone else.





	this love

Rin was a hurricane that swept into Haru’s life, with promises and declarations of  _ sights you’ve never seen before _ . He hadn’t understood the meaning of the word “love” then, only that Rin was different, insistent and rude and painfully optimistic, turning his world upside down and pushing at the slow simmer of his emotions until they boiled over. For all he feigned nonchalance and ignorance, Haru couldn’t look away from Rin, not when it mattered.

That changed when Rin had walked away with tears in his eyes a decision to quit swimming. Haru had let him walk away, uncomprehending until later, when he’d sank into the tub and comprehension had washed over him with the water. It came with the realization he has perhaps lost Rin, leaving him shaken.

He gave up swimming after that, as if by giving up his chance to, Rin might find his own desire to swim again. He was thirteen and certain of having lost two very important things. He still didn’t understand love then, or how it was meant to be more than the way people looked at each other and reached out to one another. Love was supposed to be schoolyard admiration and shoebox confessions, cautious handholding and shy first kisses underneath a sakura tree. Love was not supposed to be heartache and a hollowness in his chest, the sinking feeling that said  _ you’ve ruined it all now _ accompanied by the slap of feet on cold tile. Love was not supposed to leave him breathless, the weight of water pressing down on his chest until he collapsed inward on himself.

When he saw Rin again, hidden in the shadows of the old swim club and his eyes full of something dark, something in Haru came back to life again. Rin was different, but he was back, and he crashed into Haru like a wave that would never end and Haru found himself being swept away again. Rin was a force of nature beyond Haru's control and he wrecked Haru's apathy, leaving him open and vulnerable in a way he had never been before. And Haru hated Rin for it, for sweeping back into his life as if he didn't nearly break Haru four years ago, as if Haru hadn't given up on something he had loved because of Rin. Mostly, he hated himself for letting Rin break his apathy again and forcing him to react, to let Rin have his way again.

They clashed time and again, pushing against each other and hurting each other and Haru was ragged and bleeding by the end of it. During the prefectural race where he lost to Rin, something else died and Haru wanted to cry, but apathy set in again and he couldn't even summon a tear. All he felt was hollow inside and almost broken by the thought that he and Rin were done.

But they weren't done, because how could he ever be done with Rin? He had to watch Rin almost break, losing a race he could so easily have won, the way his arms had given out under him. His world comes crashing down again and he watched Rin walk away once more, angry footsteps and tears and he cannot do anything about it. It comes back to him in a rush, and all he can hear is  _ it's all your fault, you're the reason that Rin is this way _ . So he sank and sank, until Rei shouted him back to sense, until he understood that it was up to him to pick up the pieces and glue them back together.

He found Rin, not just the Rin that was broken and hurting, but the Rin he'd lost four years ago, the idealistic child who'd had his dreams shattered into too many pieces. Haru picked up his pieces and glued them together, trying to piece Rin back together in a clumsy way. He'd always been good with his hands, but this was different. Rin was not the same anymore, and Haru had never been familiar enough with his shape to put him back together.

But it's enough, because when he watched Rin power down the lane, he could almost see it again. Rin's voice was shouting his name even as he dove into the water, arms striking out as he cut through the water like he was meant to be here, meant to do this. He saw it again, and he began to understand that maybe this was love, and that maybe he loved Rin more than he realized, that Rin had somehow carved a place out in Haru's salt and water heart.

It was Makoto's hands that pull Haru out of the pool but it's Rin's eyes he looked for first. Rin's arms around him felt like coming home and Haru wanted to cry, because he had Rin again, solid and warm in his arms, hot tears against his neck. 

In that moment, he was certain that he loved Matsuoka Rin more than he would love anyone else.

Rin now is still as much of a romantic and a crybaby as he had been at twelve, but now they're different, for all that Haru still eats mackerel for every meal and Rin dreams of pools full of cherry blossoms. It's not the same anymore, when Haru used to look at Rin and think that he was beautiful and bright, almost like the sun. They've taken years to learn and unlearn each other, to learn to build each other up without tearing each other down. They're no longer twelve, children who fought and laughed and cried, but they're older and wiser, with a shared dream between them to work towards. 

Haru still doesn't know that much about love, but he's sure that this is it.

 

 

 

“ _Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up._ ”

― James Baldwin

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated. <3
> 
> Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ewagan).


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